Talk dirty to me: Phone sex for long-distance relationships

Being in a long-distance relationship comes with some challenges, especially when it comes to keeping the sexual energy alive. It's a good idea to get your phone sex game up and running to tide you and your partner over until your next IRL sex sesh.

A lot of people might assume that the whole phone sex thing is awkward (and they might be right, at first), but we're here to tell you that it doesn't have to be! Just like everything else in life, with enough practice, you can work up to making phone sex a tool that brings both you and your partner together, especially if you're not able to be close in real life.

If you're shy or feeling like you don't know where to begin with dirty talk, don't worry, you're not alone. We have some tips to help you get into the moment, feel comfortable, and let loose with your long-distance lover.

A beginner's guide to prepping for a phone sex session

To get started, let’s think about prepping for phone sex kind of like you would a date. If you were planning a date, you’d talk about where you’d want to go, what kind of food you’d want to eat, and what you might like to do afterwards. You’d consider what to wear and take time for yourself before meeting up. A phone sex date isn’t really all that different.

Scheduling

It's a good idea to talk to your partner about having phone sex before you launch into it unannounced on your next phone call. Get an idea of how they feel about it, establish consent, talk about how they might want to do it (over the phone vs. FaceTime or some other video chat app), if they have any fetishes or kinks they want to explore, role-playing ideas to get yourself out of your head a little, etc.

Schedule it and prepare for it the way you would a date. Maybe take a shower, light a few candles, and put on some sexy lingerie — even if you're not using video chat, it can be a personal turn-on to wear something sexy. You might even get into the role play with a new outfit to fit the sexual fantasy. In this scenario, ultimately, you'll be taking care of your own needs in the end, so make sure you feel sexy (whatever that means to you).

Logistics

Charge your phone or the device you're using to avoid any annoying low-battery or lost connection issues that would interrupt the vibe. And make sure that you've chosen a time where neither one of you will be interrupted by a roommate or some other unwanted distraction.

If you like to use sex toys during masturbation, charge those up and bring them along for the ride. Just remember that vibrators can sometimes speed up the climax, so pace yourself if your partner doesn't use them so you can be on the same page and at the same pace. You could also practice edging if you find that you really need the toy but still want to elongate the experience.

Establishing guidelines and boundaries

Think about which words come naturally to you and feel sexy to you ahead of time. There are tons of different words for different body parts, some of which feel a lot more clinical than others. You might not want to say "penis" or "vagina" or "oral sex" in the moment, so find different words. Try "cock" or "pussy" or "go down on me" or something else, and don't be shy about telling your partner if you don't like certain words. It's all about communication, so speak up if you know certain words will take you out of the mood.

Do some research (if you want to, or you can wing it!)

If you feel like you want to get some ideas ahead of time, try calling a phone sex line to hear what the pros do before trying with your partner. If this idea is weird to you, consider that phone sex operators are paid to be good at dirty talk and heavy breathing and think of it as a (super fun) skill-building activity.

How to talk dirty during phone sex

When you're with your partner in person, it's easy to moan and provide feedback with your body language in the moment. It's not quite so easy when you're on a phone or video call.

Great phone sex experiences use dirty talk to put two people who are far away from each other in the same headspace and body space. There are lots of ways to accomplish this, but five of the sexiest ways are:

1. Say what you want/like. (Be explicit in talking about body parts and the types of sexual activity you like.)

2. Ask questions.

3. Tell them what you're doing on your end of the line.

4. Remember/replay a time the two of you were together IRL.

5. Tell them what you're going to do the next time you see them.

Some of these can overlap and flow nicely into each other to create a memory/fantasy/future weaving all at the same time. Here are a few dirty talk examples:

• I want you to take off your pants now so I can do dirty things to you. (Great for taking charge in the moment)

• I get so wet/hard when I go down on you.

• When you get me at the airport, I want you to push me into the backseat of your car and fuck me before you take me home. I won't be wearing any underwear.

• I'm twisting my nipples under my sweater. Do you like that?

• I like when you breathe in my ear (something like this will help you imagine that it's happening to you or remember a time when it happened).

• Did you like the way I did that thing with my tongue on our last visit?

• I had a dream about you last night, and this is what you were doing to me ...

• Remember our trip to Vancouver when you touched me under the table?

• When I see you, I want to try this new sex position. What if you did that to me right now? What would it feel like?

Phone sex is a back and forth convo between you and your partner, so don't feel like you have to do all the talking. Make room for their responses or questions, add in sounds that you'd make in person, and maybe play them up a little for effect. Consider sending a few sexy pics to help your partner with visuals if you’re talking on the phone.

Baby steps: sexting

If you're not used to talking dirty face-to-face, doing it over the phone might give you a little buffer to experiment with a new form of foreplay. If the phone (or FaceTime) still feels a little bit unnatural, you could take one small baby step forward by sexting instead.

The advantage of a sext is that it's not live. You can craft your text message before your partner sees or hears it, giving you time to feel good about what you send. But really, don't overthink it. This is supposed to be fun. Start small. It might seem cliche, but "What are you wearing?" is an easy way to break the ice for the very first time in this new type of conversation. Be playful and fun, and then slide into the hot and heavy as the two of you get into it.

A quick note about photos and videos

Before you send photos and videos, we want to emphasize the importance of trust and consent in these scenarios. Video calls and nude photos might not be the best course of action for a random hookup you shared your digits with. Although the culture is slowly shifting around female sexual agency and nudity in general, it's probably a good idea to save your homemade erotica for someone you trust not to share them without your consent.

Sharing an experience

Dirty talking isn't the only way to get hot and heavy with your partner at a distance. You can also share an experience on a phone or video chat. Listening to a sexy story together can help spice things up with far less verbal effort on your part. In fact, it might be the easiest way to have a long-distance sexual experience together.

You can enhance an experience like this by communicating when you think something in the story is hot, by moaning along with the audio performers, or by telling your partner when you're getting close or actually climaxing. Here are a couple of stories from the Dipsea app to get you started: Falling and Queen of Swords.

You're ready

Now that we've broken down the how-tos and some examples of dirty talk phrases you can borrow to get started, take this advice and run with it. Use your next phone date to discuss your phone sex strategy with your partner. Go over your likes and dislikes, how you might want your first time to go, the best ways to check in with each other along the way and set a date and time.

Who knows, your first conversation might build up the sexual tension so much that you'll be ready to go right then and there. Get excited, your long-distance sex life just got a whole lot more interesting!